28 August 2007

The Ex-Chronicles: Tales of Crazy Woman #346

Chapter 3: Slip of the Tongue

So I had been dating The Ex about 2 months and I had set a lunch appt./lunch date/whatever with a woman friend for the next day. So I told her about it and she seemed okay with it. I mean she didn’t ask me a boatload of questions about my friend. So I kissed her goodnight and was walking across the parking lot to my car and she calls after me: “Remember. No tongue.”

Now my friend, let’s call her Becky, and I were never the kissing type. We just were not in the habit of greeting each other with anything beyond a hug. But since my already overactive, smart-assed mind is constantly thinking of the next snark to lob over the badminton net, now I’m thinking, “Oh. I can kiss Becky all I want. I just can’t slip her any tongue. In fact according to that twisted insecure logic we should be able to skip lunch and sit in my car smooching with the engine running, A/C blowing and Delilah talking over love songs on 95.5. And what about Becky. What if during this unprecedented lunchtime smooching she decided to slip me some tongue? Do I accept it? Do I jerk away and follow it with several seconds of awkward silence? Do I take my tongue and gently push her tongue back out of my mouth Do I push/fight her off? Do i tell her I’m taken? Do I remind her she’s married? And what if, secretly, Becky and I have been wanting not to just kiss but give each other a generous amount of tongue and have been avoiding it by stopping at the hug? Oh the stress of it all!

That was the theory. The practice was I didn’t say anything snarky. I went to lunch with Becky and had a good time and didn’t worry about The Ex and her insecurities.

And The Ex eventually became The Ex

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