16 July 2007

Sci-Fi Movie Survival Guide


  1. When you have been exposed to the sinister energy source and are now imbued with unlimited power, do not say, "I am a God." Real Gods, AKA screenwriters, will see to it that you do not make it to the credits.

  2. When fighting anything that lays eggs: after you have slain the beast and are gathered on the beach or rooftop or wherever with the rest of the survivors awaiting rescue, if anyone says, "I think we got them all," stop whatever you are doing and go check. If anything is moving down there that looks a lot like its mom and nothing like you, destroy them all. DO NOT wait for the sequel. If you do, you'll be dead before the intro music stops in part 2.

  3. Do not shoot the helm console of the enemy's ship with your charged particle weapon. It could end up being your only ride home.

  4. Some trilogies exist because there really doesn't need to be a fourth. If you are a minor character in the fourth, or God forbid, fifth installment of the movie, prepare to die.

  5. If you are still scratching after you have been released from decontamination, get yourself checked out immediately. Space suits don't chafe.

  6. Never have sex with anyone who just got out of decon. Give it a few days. Your life may depend on it.

  7. Stay away from the airlock. Only the hero or heroine can crawl back through the airlock and reseal it without getting sucked out into space.

  8. No Outer Limits or Twilight Zone episode ever ends the way it began. If everything seems to be going okay. IT ISN'T.

  9. Never blast off for home without being absolutely certain you have killed the creature. We don't want it here.

  10. If the five year old deciphers the runes, you're not alone.

  11. Never trust the scientist who proposes using a really really big snake to kill the really big snake.

  12. Never volunteer your womb in any experiment.

  13. If you start remembering stuff that happened thousands of years ago, and you're not from that planet, you're not alone.

  14. If the general suddenly shows up and tells you that your experiments and data have been placed under military control, do not stay around to help.

  15. If your experiments and data have been appropriated by the government, do NOT mention to anyone that you have a photographic memory or backups under your mattress.

  16. If someone wants to have sex with you and refers to it as "mating," don't.

  17. Trust your instincts. If you suspect the superior alien visitors are hiding something, they usually are.

  18. It doesn't matter how intelligent or athletic you are. if you are female, you will trip and fall when pursued by the monster/alien/etc. Learn to shoot from a supine position.

  19. If you had difficulty getting laid in High School and some beyond-gorgeous person walks around the corner and starts hitting on you, look for the nearest exit.

  20. The thing you're tracking could be tracking you. If they told you to stay together, stay together.

  21. Try not to send man where you haven't sent the robot.

  22. If the entire civilization built something and then died out overnight, don't mess with their stuff.

  23. If the planet you're about to colonize has no indigenous life, make sure you check for non-indigenous life.

  24. If the cat starts hissing and runs from something or someone, take your cues from her.

  25. When picking up the ancient, hand-carved weapon, do not say "Woo Hoo." Show a little more respect.

  26. If someone sends you plans and/or parts to build something more highly advanced than anything on Earth, they just might have a use for it they haven't told you about.

  27. While you may not need to take the mummy's curse literally you do need to take it seriously.

  28. When the aliens have abducted you and put you back on Earth and you are walking around some military hospital or complex and can never seem to get out or find the door to the outside, you're probably still on their ship.

  29. Security Guards and Military personnel squaring off against the energy being or out of control gravitational anomaly. Stop firing your gun at it. The bullets are passing through and in the case of the latter making it bigger. Save your ammo. You may need it to commit suicide. Idiot.

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